Tag Archive for Dr. Heather

#GodChat: Sinning in Peace


Let me just say, I didn’t have to go far to be blessed this time! While posting the #SexChat Question of the week, I came to a certain peace regarding the whole “homosexuality as a sin” issue.

*DISCLAIMER – This is a faith-based, highly opinionated post….teheehe!

Born and bred in a Word-filled church, I was always taught homosexuality was a sin. Additionally, I was taught that same-gender-sex was no different from fornication or dishonesty- as all sin is equal. That was that: I was sinning whether I sexed my man or sexed my girl, killed a bug or killed my uncle.

Enter Dr. Heather with…

“Fact: People are whatever sexuality they are going to be
in the womb. It's complicated,but there is a scientific
explanation for why people are Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and 


At first, I was a little uneasy with her scientific approach to this.  See, I knew I had made a choice to sin every time I got drunk, got sexed, got dishonest, got proud, got jealous, got…. Oh you get it. Never once had I considered I’d been born this way. Even with all the talk in the media of being “born gay,” I just shrugged the idea off.  This was mostly because I was unequipped to enter the debate of whether or not “God makes mistakes,” or if “God would allow a person to be born gay.”  But once Dr. Heather explained the idea of everyone’s “sexual template” being created in the womb, I actually believed it.

THE CONUNDRUM:  If I believed that some of my bisexual tendencies may have resulted from various developmental influences in my momma’s tummy, and I believed that God made me, then I should be blaming God for my Biblically sinful freakydeakyism<– not a word!

Had God made a mistake by making me so attracted to a beautiful woman’s plump booty that I admire one every chance I get – even in church?  Moreover, how could I say, “God breathes life –creating every human,” but then acknowledge that God made Charles Manson a murderer, and my nasty-ass uncle a pedophile for that matter?

I’ve since learned that I can’t acknowledge anything like that because I don’t believe God creates evil. Although, there are some that believe otherwise, Genesis 1:31: says “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.”  My faith tells me that God doesn’t make mistakes. God’s creations are good. Things can only become evil when they remove all of the good – all of the God.

In other words, I don’t believe God creates predetermined liars, fornicators, alcoholics, serial killers, pedophiles, or homosexuals. I know this directly contradicts Dr. Heather’s quote, but I believe God creates good people with predispositions for good and evil- HUMANS!

Now, some of us may have more predispositions for sin as opposed to good and vice versa, but the point is: We are only human. And because of that, we can easily become confused by the origins of our predispositions as well as the strategies to correct or live with them.

For me, there’s nothing a good #GodChat can’t clear up.  God allows us to be born into sin, but He’s banking on us to love Him more than we love our own flesh in an effort to get out of it. Sounds like an evil Jedi mind trick right? I know.  It’s deep. But I find peace in knowing the choice to become as close as we can to Christ’s perfection is up to us. We should stop lying, stop sucking, stop … well, you know.  And if we can’t do it alone, call on Him because it is written that we will all fall short of His perfection.

Listen, I’ve learned that as long as you believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins, then you have not turned away from His love and will not be turned away from His Kingdom. And that’s my PEACE!  So, I send kudos to Dr. Heather for the sound encouragement to, “Enjoy being you!”  Because I believe all believers are going to heaven –even the ones that lie, cheat, steal, and fornicate- same sex or not.

#SexChat: Pathology or B.S.?

Question of the WeekDr. Heather,

It has been suggested by my straight friends that I’m a lesbian because I was sexually abused by my father. It’s as if they think I hated my father, and I hate men, so I have no choice but to love women. However, I simply believe I’m a lesbian because I’m attracted to women – not men.

When I shared the feelings of my friends with a female therapist, who happens to be married to a woman, she says “that’s just pathology” and writes it off as bullshit. Now, I know my friends are not professionally trained so I’m not really taking it to heart, but I’m starting to second guess it all. Is this ‘pathology’ legitimate or B.S. like the therapist says?


I’m just going to jump right into this question because this is a very common misconception that people have about abuse, trauma and homosexuality.  Listen sweetie, you’re attracted to women because that’s what in your sexual template, end of story! You are correct in saying that you simply believe you are just attracted to women not men; you’re a lesbian!

FACT: people are whatever sexuality they are going to be in the womb. It’s complicated, but there is a scientific explanation for why people are Gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered. It’s very hard for most heterosexuals to understand this; but it’s not for them to understand.  It’s for you to understand so that you can educate them when you need to.  Your therapist is correct & I love her for that- it’s bullshit!!! Enjoy being you!

Thank you for being so open and having such a wonderful question!

Live, Love, Laugh Always!…
Dr. Heather, RMFT CST

#SexChat: “I enjoyed it.”

Question of the WeekHi Dr. Heather,
My question is not really about sex, but it kinda is!

  Though, I don’t consider myself a “victim” of sexual abuse, I absolutely “experimented” with my older brother’s friends a few times. By older, I mean they were in high school and I was in junior high. It was never anything more than kissing, grinding, and groping. Plus, I enjoyed it. There was never any “real” sex.

I began therapy for anger management in January and ended up discussing this with my therapist back then. Now, six months later, she has referred to me as a “victim of sexual abuse.” I thought she was confused and asked her what the heck she was talking about. When she tried to say that I “was victimized” by my brother’s friends, I snapped. So much for managing my anger, huh? The point is that I don’t think I should be labeled as a “victim” of anything if I don’t think I am one.  Am I right, or am I in some sort of denial?


Hello! Well I certainly can understand why you don’t believe you were a “victim” but I have to agree: You were absolutely a “victim” because you were a child.  “Experimenting” with kids your own age is something that would have pushed you out of the “victim” bracket. Sorry 🙁
Now, the fact that you enjoyed it just makes you a normal young lady with hormones that you were beginning to discover. 🙂

It’s important to know that you don’t have to feel like you were a “victim” to have been one. I don’t think you’re in denial; I just know you are not feeling victimized which is ok. But having the proper knowledge about what happened in the past as an adult will definitely help to shape your intimate future. Good Luck with managing the anger.

Dr. Heather, RMFT CST

#SexChat: Sad Sex

Question of the WeekI too was sexually abused as a child. I’ve been married for two years now and I suddenly find myself crying during sex. I’ve never been one to cry. I don’t even know why I’m crying. I’ve tried to think “happy” thoughts but the only thing that seems to work is Valium. Do you have any creative suggestions to stop the tears?

Unfortunately, you’re not alone in having those feelings; many people around the world have this very same issue.  Let me start by saying that to answer this question thoroughly as a clinician I would definitely need to know more background information pertaining to the abuse and your familial upbringing.  However, I can provide some immediate responses to what you have disclosed thus far.

Honestly, “happy thoughts” won’t work for long unless you have the brain power of a master meditator or your name is “Buddha”! Too many emotions, feelings and behaviors occur at once during sex. This hinders the ability to stay focused on a “happy thought” during sex; especially when you have sexual trauma.

Creatively, I’d suggest role playing; but, that could become challenging if it’s something neither of you are comfortable with trying.  On a more serious note, I would suggest a mutual “sexual vacation” so that the crying can be explored further.  I’ve come up with a small list of topics that can be worked on gradually during a “sexual vacation”….Goodluck!

  1. Build Safety & Trust in your relationship with your husband.
  2. Own whatever anger you’re holding onto that relates to the past abuse; include your partner in the process.
  3. Try to lighten up on the Valium because a clouded brain can’t & won’t heal properly.
  4. Because of your past hurt, you are unable to allow yourself the deep orgasmic feeling of closeness & interdependency during sex.  Work on the pain with patience and vulnerability.
  5. Eventually you’re going to have to receive individual trauma therapy to move past the tears because it sounds like you may be experiencing some depression.  Then consider couple’s therapy to blend it all together.
  6. Avoiding feelings & memories from the abuse will only keep you sad and listless during sex.

Thank you for being so open and having such a wonderful question!  I hope I have helped you to begin a road of healing and happiness with SEX 🙂

Good luck and peace be to you!
Dr. Heather, RMFT CST