I too was sexually abused as a child. I’ve been married for two years now and I suddenly find myself crying during sex. I’ve never been one to cry. I don’t even know why I’m crying. I’ve tried to think “happy” thoughts but the only thing that seems to work is Valium. Do you have any creative suggestions to stop the tears?
Unfortunately, you’re not alone in having those feelings; many people around the world have this very same issue. Let me start by saying that to answer this question thoroughly as a clinician I would definitely need to know more background information pertaining to the abuse and your familial upbringing. However, I can provide some immediate responses to what you have disclosed thus far.
Honestly, “happy thoughts” won’t work for long unless you have the brain power of a master meditator or your name is “Buddha”! Too many emotions, feelings and behaviors occur at once during sex. This hinders the ability to stay focused on a “happy thought” during sex; especially when you have sexual trauma.
Creatively, I’d suggest role playing; but, that could become challenging if it’s something neither of you are comfortable with trying. On a more serious note, I would suggest a mutual “sexual vacation” so that the crying can be explored further. I’ve come up with a small list of topics that can be worked on gradually during a “sexual vacation”….Goodluck!
- Build Safety & Trust in your relationship with your husband.
- Own whatever anger you’re holding onto that relates to the past abuse; include your partner in the process.
- Try to lighten up on the Valium because a clouded brain can’t & won’t heal properly.
- Because of your past hurt, you are unable to allow yourself the deep orgasmic feeling of closeness & interdependency during sex. Work on the pain with patience and vulnerability.
- Eventually you’re going to have to receive individual trauma therapy to move past the tears because it sounds like you may be experiencing some depression. Then consider couple’s therapy to blend it all together.
- Avoiding feelings & memories from the abuse will only keep you sad and listless during sex.
Thank you for being so open and having such a wonderful question! I hope I have helped you to begin a road of healing and happiness with SEX 🙂
Good luck and peace be to you!
Dr. Heather, RMFT CST
