Tag Archive for #SexChat

#SexChat: Sex with Friends

Question of the Week

Dr. Heather,
My current husband was released from prison in March. When he first came home, we had sex every day. At first, it was typical, but great, sex. By the end of April, we had our first threesome with a woman and since then we’ve been having them every weekend it seems.
On the fourth of July, we went to a swingers club and he watched another man have sex with me. He loved it. Now he’s asking me to do it again, but with one of his friends.

For me, it was a fun, spur of the moment type of thing, nothing I would plan to do especially not with one of his friends. When I told my best friend, she asked if his ‘friend’ had also served time. I don’t know the answer to that because I don’t want to engage my husband in the conversation. But I know where my girl was going with the question. I am becoming very confused. I never thought my man was gay. I still don’t. Am I being naive?

Hi and I thank you for having the courage to inquire about whether you are being naive or not! Many people can actually feel when they are being naive about a situation that seems uncomfortable.  So, I’d say maybe you are or maybe your not. That answer is totally up to you and your feelings around this complex situation.

In order to answer this question properly, I’d like to know a little more information. But more importantly, I’d like to let you know that this topic (outside of a professional) is not up for discussion with anyone other than your husband. Sometimes we as people feel the need to gather opinions from others. But many times, outside opinions cause major damage to a union between two people.

I can’t say you are being naive at all. But I can say that a marriage means you can ask those uncomfortable questions to one another and hopefully get honest answers.  Now, those answers may or may not need to be worked through; but either way they need to be discussed.  The discussion will help to avoid this situation causing you to feel resentment in the interim because he asked you to sleep with his friend.

Lastly, don’t be confused.  Communicate and erase any confusion.  That way you two can go back to having great sex and great adventures while having great sex!

P.S. Keep your friends at a distance of “needing to know!”

Goodluck:)

Live, Love, Laugh Always!…
Dr. Heather, RMFT CST

#SexChat: Girl Power?

Question of the Week

Dr. Heather,
Hi, I am a bi-sexual woman currently involved in a relationship with another woman. In the past, I enjoyed threesomes with most of my female partners by inviting a man into our bedroom. However, my current girlfriend is totally against it. She claims, “it would be like relinquishing our feminine power to a man.” When I asked her to explain this, she got all angry and dramatic and flipped everything on me. She eventually told me she was raped by this guy in the music industry years ago. The desire for my threesome aside, I truly feel for her and want to help her get past that part of her life. Can I? If so, how?


Hello and great question!

Ok I’m just going to say very firmly, NO you cannot aid her in getting past that part of her life. She must get trauma focused therapy first.  Then, only after that has occurred for some time can she begin to even consider and or accept your sexual desires into her own. Trauma has lasting effects on people’s lives; fortunately with help from a professional, we can learn to live completely and happily after it has occurred. Once she seeks the help, patience and understanding from those closest to her would be a blessing throughout her recovery.

Live, Love, Laugh Always!…
Dr. Heather, RMFT CST

#SexChat: Touchy Teachers

Question of the Week

Dr. Heather,
I caught my 6 year old son masturbating. I believe this is normal behavior, but I have concerns which may or may not be off the mark. His male kindergarten teacher was a little too “hands-on” for me so I asked to have him put into a new class. After I found out my son still had some contact with the man, I took him out of the school completely.

My husband felt I was being paranoid, until I told him my older son (by my first husband) was molested by our neighbor. That was nearly fifteen years ago, and I’m proud to say that my eldest son is doing great and actually studying to become a social worker.

The question is not about whether his masturbation is due in part to any sexual abuse, but how do I tackle this with my soon-to-be first grader? I read another of your responses that basically said ‘Just Do It!’ But I’m not sure of WHAT I should be doing. In other words, is this the time for the “birds & bees” or the “do’s & dont’s” or should I just ignore it and keep an eye out for any negative progression?


“Hello Honey, it’s time to meet The Birds & The Bees!” That’s a good way to start. Absolutely DO NOT ignore it! This is the perfect time to dive rite in and Just Do It as I often say! Also it’s ok to talk to your son about who shouldn’t be touching him. Please use this window of opportunity of which you have been presented with to talk about it ALL.

One more thing, most times mothers have the correct feelings about things that seem shady to them regarding their children but often don’t act on that intuition. It’s safe to inquire and ask those questions, even connecting with other parents of children in that class could help you gain more clarity on that teacher & his techniques.

Hope this helped & Goodluck!!

Live, Love, Laugh Always!…
Dr. Heather, RMFT CST

#SexChat: Embarrassing Who?

Question of the WeekDr. Heather,
My daughter is eleven years old and recently started her menstrual cycle. I took her to the doctor and was incidentally informed that her hymen has been broken. The doctor says it could have been broken during soccer, if she tried to use a tampon by herself, or even through masturbation. Soccer is one thing, but I feel I need to ask her about it in case she’s already had sex, or having sex, or something worse is going on. Please tell me how I should address this without sounding like a crazy mother, offending or embarrassing my baby?

Hello!
Great question, so many mothers are wondering the very same thing and I’m excited that you had the courage to ask!! Go, Soccer Mom!

The best thing to do is just GO FOR IT; leave all those old fashioned beliefs behind you about embarrassing your daughter! You’re her mother not her friend. So, this is the time to dig in and ASK away!

Honestly, this is an ongoing conversation that should have been happening throughout her young life. But it’s not too late to begin discussing sex with her now. Just be factual and exact. It almost sounds as if you might be the one that may feel embarrassed? If so, you should practice first with a friend. Once you feel comfortable, start the conversation by assuring your daughter that you will be honest with her if she has any questions about sex. Then come straight out and ask her if she has had sex.

It is most important that you Listen when she talks and Teach when she stops. Don’t judge her if she says something’s that may be shocking to you. Just be supportive and enlightening.

Good luck!!

Live, Love, Laugh Always!…
Dr. Heather, RMFT CST

#SexChat: Pathology or B.S.?

Question of the WeekDr. Heather,

It has been suggested by my straight friends that I’m a lesbian because I was sexually abused by my father. It’s as if they think I hated my father, and I hate men, so I have no choice but to love women. However, I simply believe I’m a lesbian because I’m attracted to women – not men.

When I shared the feelings of my friends with a female therapist, who happens to be married to a woman, she says “that’s just pathology” and writes it off as bullshit. Now, I know my friends are not professionally trained so I’m not really taking it to heart, but I’m starting to second guess it all. Is this ‘pathology’ legitimate or B.S. like the therapist says?

Hello!

I’m just going to jump right into this question because this is a very common misconception that people have about abuse, trauma and homosexuality.  Listen sweetie, you’re attracted to women because that’s what in your sexual template, end of story! You are correct in saying that you simply believe you are just attracted to women not men; you’re a lesbian!

FACT: people are whatever sexuality they are going to be in the womb. It’s complicated, but there is a scientific explanation for why people are Gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered. It’s very hard for most heterosexuals to understand this; but it’s not for them to understand.  It’s for you to understand so that you can educate them when you need to.  Your therapist is correct & I love her for that- it’s bullshit!!! Enjoy being you!

Thank you for being so open and having such a wonderful question!

Live, Love, Laugh Always!…
Dr. Heather, RMFT CST

#SexChat: “I enjoyed it.”

Question of the WeekHi Dr. Heather,
My question is not really about sex, but it kinda is!

  Though, I don’t consider myself a “victim” of sexual abuse, I absolutely “experimented” with my older brother’s friends a few times. By older, I mean they were in high school and I was in junior high. It was never anything more than kissing, grinding, and groping. Plus, I enjoyed it. There was never any “real” sex.

I began therapy for anger management in January and ended up discussing this with my therapist back then. Now, six months later, she has referred to me as a “victim of sexual abuse.” I thought she was confused and asked her what the heck she was talking about. When she tried to say that I “was victimized” by my brother’s friends, I snapped. So much for managing my anger, huh? The point is that I don’t think I should be labeled as a “victim” of anything if I don’t think I am one.  Am I right, or am I in some sort of denial?

 

Hello! Well I certainly can understand why you don’t believe you were a “victim” but I have to agree: You were absolutely a “victim” because you were a child.  “Experimenting” with kids your own age is something that would have pushed you out of the “victim” bracket. Sorry 🙁
Now, the fact that you enjoyed it just makes you a normal young lady with hormones that you were beginning to discover. 🙂

It’s important to know that you don’t have to feel like you were a “victim” to have been one. I don’t think you’re in denial; I just know you are not feeling victimized which is ok. But having the proper knowledge about what happened in the past as an adult will definitely help to shape your intimate future. Good Luck with managing the anger.

Dr. Heather, RMFT CST

#SexChat: Sad Sex

Question of the WeekI too was sexually abused as a child. I’ve been married for two years now and I suddenly find myself crying during sex. I’ve never been one to cry. I don’t even know why I’m crying. I’ve tried to think “happy” thoughts but the only thing that seems to work is Valium. Do you have any creative suggestions to stop the tears?

Unfortunately, you’re not alone in having those feelings; many people around the world have this very same issue.  Let me start by saying that to answer this question thoroughly as a clinician I would definitely need to know more background information pertaining to the abuse and your familial upbringing.  However, I can provide some immediate responses to what you have disclosed thus far.

Honestly, “happy thoughts” won’t work for long unless you have the brain power of a master meditator or your name is “Buddha”! Too many emotions, feelings and behaviors occur at once during sex. This hinders the ability to stay focused on a “happy thought” during sex; especially when you have sexual trauma.

Creatively, I’d suggest role playing; but, that could become challenging if it’s something neither of you are comfortable with trying.  On a more serious note, I would suggest a mutual “sexual vacation” so that the crying can be explored further.  I’ve come up with a small list of topics that can be worked on gradually during a “sexual vacation”….Goodluck!

  1. Build Safety & Trust in your relationship with your husband.
  2. Own whatever anger you’re holding onto that relates to the past abuse; include your partner in the process.
  3. Try to lighten up on the Valium because a clouded brain can’t & won’t heal properly.
  4. Because of your past hurt, you are unable to allow yourself the deep orgasmic feeling of closeness & interdependency during sex.  Work on the pain with patience and vulnerability.
  5. Eventually you’re going to have to receive individual trauma therapy to move past the tears because it sounds like you may be experiencing some depression.  Then consider couple’s therapy to blend it all together.
  6. Avoiding feelings & memories from the abuse will only keep you sad and listless during sex.

Thank you for being so open and having such a wonderful question!  I hope I have helped you to begin a road of healing and happiness with SEX 🙂

Good luck and peace be to you!
Dr. Heather, RMFT CST